I Don't Envy the Night Owl
by lilaclily00
Summary: Uses prompts "lightbulb" and "owl" from my buddy Scaehime! :D Things don't end well when Envy is bored.


**If you'd ever thought you'd figured me out... I think this'll disprove that.**

**I was surprised by this- not just because it's so... I don't even know, but because I don't think I've ever even _mentioned _Envy in any of my other published works. Probably because I kinda hate him. XD**

**Title was chosen by Scaehime's friend, whom I don't know anything about. XD**

**(I've got two chapters of the potential sequel to "Family History" done, but it's still _potential. _I'm still deciding. Enjoy this one-word-prompt, meanwhile. It's still considered one-word because Scaehime didn't tell me it had to be both words, but I wanted to try that anyway.)**

**On with the story!**

* * *

Whose bright idea was it to spy on Pipsqueak again?

It wasn't Envy's fault that he was assigned the job. Father must've been in a particularly bad mood, even if he supposedly didn't have any emotions. Perhaps Lust had tattle-taled that he'd... taken care of more soldiers than necessary on his last mission. (They're just too easy to kill.) Maybe Pride, that stupid older brother of his, had hinted that there was now someone hellbent on finding and ending the person who ruthlessly sliced through his wife. (He was just a _little_ bit jealous of her looks... and had decided he'd feel better if an expression of horror and pain was frozen on her face.) Gluttony might've even complained about the weird metal lemon Envy decided to feed him. (The grenade was an early birthday present! How was he to know the idiot would eat it?)

(Just kidding. Envy knew he'd eat it.)

Envy sighed and shifted in his spot. It didn't matter why he was now currently stuck watching the Elrics through their dorm window. There was no getting out of it.

The least the Pipsqueak could've done is put on a show, but _NOOOO_. He had to be a weak _human_ and spend at least a third of his day asleep.

Envy glared at the dark room, blaming it for his utter and complete boredom. He'd considered practicing shapeshifting in the meantime, but knew there would be a problem if he was caught by someone who happened to enjoy walking around at night for who knows what reason. No one was supposed to be dead by the time he reported back to Father.

So here he was, in the form of an owl, sitting in a tree, staring.

He turned his head by instinct when he noticed something scurry under a bush a few feet away. His birdy brain immediately registered it as a mouse and potential food, but he tried to tell his stupid owl self to knock it off. He wouldn't stoop so low as to swallow a rodent. Envy was better than that.

He saw a few leaves rustle. His feathers ruffled in determination to not move.

Great. He could smell it now, too.

Despite willing himself to not give in, he glanced over to the bush. He alternated his attention between the window and hidden prey.

He refused one more time to give the mouse a single thought.

He heard a small squeak.

Eh, screw it.

He lunged and quickly caught the small animal in his beak, surprising another 'eep' out of it. It begged for mercy as Envy swooped back up to his little perch on a tree limb and pondered what he was to do with the rodent in his grasp. Bat it around as a cat would to a toy, then let it go with little injury? Torture it to a slow death? Or just eat it now to quiet the owl impulses?

They all had their own appeal (especially the second), so he took his time deciding, even while the mouse was squirming around to escape.

Being the philosophical Homunculus he is, he then started thinking about how this seemed to represent his usual life. The pitiful, puny humans were the rats, the insects, the _prey_. The Homunculi were the all-powerful predators of the animal kingdom, who ate the weaker beings... or just played with them and their lives as if it's all just a game. It really was a game, sometimes- a dangerous game, in the perspective of the weaklings, but one nonetheless.

The mouse somehow almost freed itself, and the act brought Envy out of his thoughts to keep a grip on it again. He huffed to himself since his mind had wandered off, and therefore he still didn't know what to do with the rodent.

He then glanced over to the window, the one he was supposed to be watching.

And smirked.

Hey, if the blondie didn't put on a show, Envy could _make_ him. It would certainly be worth his time.

He flapped silently to the windowsill, and considered how to do this without blowing his own cover. While he doubted the runt would immediately suspect a random owl of being Envy, especially after being dead asleep, there was also the chance his tin can brother would be around. Hmm...

He shapeshifted one of his wings into a human arm and carefully unlocked and opened partway the window. Noticing that a suit of armor hadn't come to see what made the small clicking sound, he felt a shot of glee to know the younger Elric was out of the room at the moment. He opened the window all the way and returned his arm to an owl wing, then hopped quietly onto the carpet. The stupid mouse's squeaking was irking him; he knew the puny alchemist couldn't hear it, but the little noises were screams in his own ears. He almost squeezed the rodent harder to shut it up, but resisted because what he was going to do wouldn't be as funny if the little guy was dead.

He pumped his wings once or twice so he landed on the edge of the blond's bed. He scoffed upon seeing the pipsqueak, who looked absolutely ridiculous. He had spread out his whole body to cover the mattress and contorted his limbs in strange positions. His mouth was wide open with a dab of drool on one side. One of his hands had pushed his shirt up so it could rest on his exposed stomach. The blanket had just about been thrown off and spilled over the edge of the bed onto the floor.

The lifted shirt seemed like the easiest spot to place the wiggling mouse. Envy stretched his body so he was taller, leaned in an arch to the boy's torso, and gently opened his beak to release the rodent and direct it to hide under the fabric covering the pipsqueak's softly breathing chest.

With a snicker he hurriedly flew to the windowsill, and with a mocking _"Hoo!"_ turned to enjoy the scene.

Already, Edward squirmed around as he woke up, probably wondering what caused the strange sensation on his chest. His eyes flew open when he realized it felt like a small creature _walking around_ on him. He gave a (hilarious) startled scream as he lifted up the front half of his body from the mattress and searched for the creature's location.

Heavy steps could be heard from beyond the room's door as Ed patted himself down in panic. When he felt a small mass of fur under his shirt, he squealed at the same time as said furry animal and jumped out of bed.

"Brother!" A voice echoed as the door was thrown open by Alphonse, who then seemed startled by seeing that his older brother was dancing around like mad.

"GET IF OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!" Ed shouted as he did something that looked like he was trying to pull his shirt off but was too freaked to do it correctly. Envy wished he'd brought popcorn.

"Calm down!" Al yelled as he warily moved towards his brother. "What's on you?"

"RAT RAT RAT!" Ed finally got his shirt off, and a glimpse of a tail could be seen moving towards his lower back.

"Hold on!" The younger brother, unafraid of touching the rodent since he had no sense of touch, reached for the frightened creature- but it was too late, as it slipped out of view into something else the blond wore.

His shorts.

After belting out a petrified scream, Ed quickly motioned in a way that seemed he was going to pull those off too, and Envy looked away with regret. He hadn't expected Pipsqueak to strip! While this was very amusing, he would've considered doing something slightly different if it meant his clothes would've stayed on.

He dared to peek back, and sighed in relief to see that Blondie actually hadn't done that; he'd just shaken the mouse off his leg. Now the mouse was scurrying around on the floor, lost on which way to go for safety. With practiced skill, Alphonse swerved this way and that until he managed to pick up the animal with his gauntlet and gently hold it in his grasp.

"Wow, Brother, I can't believe it happened again," he commented lightly as he carefully petted the top of the mouse's head with his finger. Envy gave him a weird look. What did he mean by 'again'?!

Edward was still standing there, panting, as he glared at the mouse, who was currently the cause of his misery. "Get that thing out of here."

Al sighed with a nod as he turned toward the window, then paused. His brother noticed this and looked to the window too, to see that on the sill was a _huge_ gray owl, its large eyes studying them.

Envy blinked and accidentally stared at Pipsqueak's chest, surprised by all the scars littering the skin. Even if Homunculi couldn't have scars because they healed much faster than wimpy humans, imagining how much it hurt to get any of the ones the blond had made him wince. After all, even if it didn't last as long, he could still feel pain.

"_You!_" Envy's contemplating stopped when he realized Blondie was pointing and yelling towards him. He glanced around as if to say, 'Are you talking to me?' "Yeah, you, owl!"

The tiny alchemist seethed as he stomped to the bird of prey. "You brought that rat in here, didn't you?!"

Envy gulped as he realized he was so caught up on watching the Elrics running around (and quietly making a strange bird-attempting-to cackle-like-a-person sound) he'd forgotten to make his escape. He tried to start pulling the windowpane closed with his beak, and realized with a disappointed grunt that it was impossible unless he shapeshifted to have a hand again. He yelped and dodged when Ed suddenly reached for him.

"You're not getting away _that_ easy," Edward growled. "I'm taking my revenge!"

"Brother, it's an owl!"

"Owls are smart, right?!" Shortie turned to glare at his sibling. "This jerk knows _exactly_ what it did!"

The Homunculus huffed and tried to fly away, but the blond blocked him from doing that. He was forced to stay perched here or go into the room.

He hooted before smirking and flying into the room toward the ceiling. Hey, if the runt wanted him to stay, then Envy'll just mess with him more!

"Come back here so I can kill you!" Ed shouted, shaking his fist at the bird. He quickly slammed the window down, officially imprisoning the three in the room. Despite the suit of armor chastising him, he refused to let the owl go in peace.

"I can't believe you!" Alphonse scolded as he gently put the mouse down and tried to pull his brother away from the shut window.

"Do you not hear it, Al?! It's mocking us!" The blond pointed at the bird circling around near the ceiling. An unusual almost-human laughing was coming from it.

"Okay, that is really creepy..." Al admitted as he stared at the animal.

Both Elrics shrieked when the unnatural owl suddenly dived, beak first, straight at them. They ducked and ran for cover.

"Al! I need something to defend myself!" The elder jumped behind a bed.

"I don't know how to defend against a crazy giant bird!" The armor argued as he looked around for a possible weapon.

"Never mind! Go open the window again!" Ed clapped and transmuted out of the ground a baseball bat, just in time to hit the fowl before it could pierce his chest with its wicked beak. It flipped in the air dramatically in reaction to the hit, but it shook its head and quickly recovered, diving for the blond again just a few seconds later.

"It's stuck!" Al complained as he tugged on the windowpane.

"You're kidding!" Ed sighed frustratedly. He repeatedly swung his bat at the owl, dismayed that it was now dodging him easily.

When the dangerous bird dove again, its beak broke his baseball bat in half.

He wondered why nature hated him.

He heard the owl do its creepy cackle again as it flew upwards, preparing to repeat its attack. Al shouted "Ed!" in worry as he rushed to save the older brother, but both knew he wouldn't make it in time.

As a last resort to defend, Edward grabbed for the closest thing to him and threw it at the fiend.

His aim was somehow _perfect_, and the owl gave a pained scratchy shriek as it dropped to the ground.

The Elrics glanced to each other before hesitantly inching toward the feathery form. Both blinked in surprise to see it surrounded by _glass_.

Edward looked back to the side table where he had blindly reached for a projectile, raising a brow when he saw it had on top a neat little box filled with-

"Did you just throw a _lightbulb?!_" Al yelled incredulously.

"Uh... I guess I did," he answered slowly, confused as to where the bulbs even came from.

Envy hissed at the pain radiating from his face. Out of all the things for the stupid blond to do, he never expected him to do _that!_ That would've caused serious permanent damage if he wasn't a Homunculus.

Speaking of, he needed to heal- And he couldn't let them witness that.

He glared and screeched angrily at the Elrics before just not even caring anymore and flying right through the shut window, clear glass shattering on impact. He zoomed as fast as possible out of sight before the little red alchemical shocks surrounded his head wound.

Whose bright idea was it to-?!

Oh. Right.

* * *

**If either had a positive opinion of owls before, that was destroyed. XD**

**Have you guys ever read _Me and My Brothers_? I thought the first few books were _adorable_, but as I got farther in the story... It started taking a turn I did not like. There's less antics and more _messed-up_-ness! I mean, I _guess _I get why Sakura's like that, but don't you _dare _tell me Masashi feels the same! *shiver* EEEEEEW. Dude, you knew her since she was _born! _**

**I don't know if I want to continue. ;-; There's the chance that they decide to end it before it actually gets started, you know?... I read part of the 10 book, and I didn't see anything of what was going on in the 7th, so...**

**K bai!**

* * *

"Al?" The Fullmetal Alchemist stared dumbly at the window, still trying to comprehend how a bird could break the glass like that (and not registering yet the fact he'd have to pay for the damage).

"Hm?" The suit of armor looked up from picking up the glass littering their room.

"I'm glad you don't like owls."


End file.
